A Case Against First Dates

By: Tape and Nails

One of the main incentives for coming out for me (I know this makes me sound extremely sex-crazed and superficial, both of which I suspect I might be) was the ability to get laid. Being in the closet wasn’t exactly doing wonders for my sex life. In fact, my closeted freshman year at UC Berkeley was the driest year since I lost my virginity in 10th grade. Don’t get me wrong, this wasn’t the main reason I was coming out. In fact, I had no main reason to come out. I had several key reasons, maybe 5 or so, and getting laid happened to be like #2. The first, of course, was getting over my abusive ex-girlfriend by getting laid. I guess that makes getting laid my #1 reason (lol).

Anyhow, I came out and decided to jump into dating. Now, I would like to remind folks that I was a 19 year old newly uncloseted Indian lesbian, who happened to be a direct transplant from the hinterlands of the Cow belt. This meant that I had zero experience courting women. My ex girlfriends had sort of just happened. They were my best friends before we started fucking. It just sort of happened. To me, it seemed like the next logical step to our obviously unhealthily dependent emotional relationship. To my girlfriends, and one of them even phrased it this way: “It was the physical manifestation of the deep love that we shared.” (Yeah right!).

So here I was, in the bay (which really should be rechristened queeristan), a new lesbian in the region with the largest lesbian population in the world. I decided, on the recommendation of my therapist (I know, how unlesbian of me to go to therapy even before I found a partner!), to trawl the queer women’s groups on campus. I say trawl because, in retrospect, and I am somewhat unashamed of this, I was only there to find women I could possibly go to bed with. I know some of you, after having read this post, will propose putting me on a no-date list but luckily I have a fairly common first name and might still be relatively safe despite your efforts. My trawling efforts, however, turned out to be fruitless. Unfortunately, I found no one that I was even remotely attracted to in these groups. Plus, my gaydar was, to say the least, out of tune. I didn’t know what lesbians looked like, where they lived, what they did for living and so on. This is when I found OKcupid!

Now, OKCupid is a great site but it hasn’t exactly led to anything meaningful for me except that it has given me the immense patience required to be a single lesbian in a world where everyone seems to have a partner. I am a serial first dater. I only go on first dates. Usually, there are no second dates and consequently no sex, at least not through my OKCupid or other dates. I invite you all to run your diagnostics as to why I never go on second dates because I am going to focus on why I think I will devote my life to eliminating first dates. I think that first dates are no longer needed in a world where stalking is bloody easy. I mean, for most girls I go out with I can probably find out everything that I am supposed to find out on a first date through the internet.

Let’s see how this is possible. Well, I will probably want to find out how “out” she is- her Facebook wall is a great indicator of this and so is a simple Google search. If she is a part of some obviously queer group, chances are that everyone, including her 90 year old grandma, knows that she is gay. I might want to know when she came out (I won’t know the story of how she came out but I usually reserve that question for the second date I never get to). This mystery can be resolved through a close inspection of her timeline and photos. Thankfully, at my age, people change their appearance or group of friends drastically once they come out. Remember, this is very useful for youngins who have a broken, dysfunctional or altogether non-existent gaydar! In fact, the internet which has become a stalker’s paradise allows us to already sort of “know” the person we are meeting up with thereby making first dates awkward repeats of what I already read about her on the internet.

In my ideal world, I would be able to tell her what I already know about her without sounding creepy, which would allow us to share things that might not be apparent on Facebook or twitter or Tumblr or wherever else. That way, it might be easier for me to convince someone to call/text me back for another date. Since it is still very creepy and stalkerish to tell a person that you know exactly what their ex does for a living, and thus far from my ideal dating world, I must come to terms with the fact that there probably not going to be any second dates for me in the near future.

Note: The author has repeatedly tried but failed to keep herself from stalking potential dates on the internet. None of the information obtained for the purposes of dating are retained in the author’s mind after rejection thus making the initial act of stalking pretty harmle

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